FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
What is your orientation to counseling?
I take your concerns and feelings seriously. You and your goals matter to me. Various psychotherapeutic approaches and techniques can be healing when offered skillfully, but outside the context of a therapeutic relationship of care, presence, and warmth it is merely technique. Psychotherapy heals in the context of a relationship of care, mutual trust, concern, and respect between the client and the therapist.
My theoretical orientation to psychotherapy is what I call “the self-in-context.” What this means is that within each person are scenarios from the early relationships in life, and these scenarios affect how one lives into adulthood. These scenarios (for example, my father ignored me when I was a child) interact with current relationships and systems (for example, at work I try so hard to impress my male boss). These “old” scenarios affect your life today. I believe that healing takes place in part by both the client and the therapist taking seriously these early scenarios and the emotions and psychodynamics which arise from them, and by understanding the current relationships and groups in a client’s life. From these interacting and reinforcing that dwell within you, you and I will find the healing opportunities for you to successfully achieve the goals you bring to therapy. An important part of this will be learning to be attentive to and manage emotions, sensations, images, and behaviors, and to discover meaning in your life.
What is pastoral psychotherapy?
Pastoral psychotherapy is one approach among the many psychotherapeutic disciplines. Pastoral psychotherapy is a discipline that integrates clinically and scientifically sound psychological theories with theological perspectives to understand a client, offer hope and healing, and help the client find meaning in one’s experiences. The key to pastoral psychotherapy is discovering meaning.
Whenever a person suffers, questions of meaning arise. So, for example, when one’s spouse is unfaithful and it feels like the foundations of life are shattering, it is normal to need to talk with a trained therapist to see how, if at all, the relationship may be saved, what changes need to be made, and so on. It is also normal to wonder what is the meaning of the infidelity; what happened to your sacred covenant, where, if anywhere, is God in the midst of this; and how does this event fit into God’s purposes for your life.
If it is important to you at any time during our therapy relationship, I will as a pastoral therapist discuss these kinds of spiritual/meaning issues with you. You and I will talk and help you find spiritual meaning regardless of your religious background and current relationship with religion.
Yes. I have a number of appointments on Mondays through Thursday evenings, at 5:30 and 6:30 p.m. I also have morning and afternoon appointments.
My fee is $110 for a 50 minute session with individuals, couples, and families.
Do you have a sliding fee scale?
I do not have a formal sliding fee scale. When a client cannot afford my full fee I am willing to discuss making a fee adjustment based on your being as fair to me as you can be and as fair to yourself as you need to be. Tax-deductible gifts to the Client Assistance Program enable me to make this adjustment.
How can I contribute to the Client Assistance Fund?
Your tax-deductible gift should be made payable to “St. Peter’s Episcopal Church” with the words “Client Assistance Program” in the memo line of your check. Your contribution to this ministry is deeply appreciated, as you are contributing to an outreach ministry to persons who can benefit from outpatient psychotherapy but whose economic situations make it impossible to pay the full fee.
You work at a church. Why do I have to pay a fee? Doesn’t the church already pay you?
The church does not pay me a salary. I am in private practice, generating my own income solely through client fees and consultation work. St. Peter’s Episcopal Church generously supports this ministry by offering me an office, telephone, and support services such as printing and copying.
No. I made the decision to no longer be an “in-network provider” for two primary reasons. One is that the time it takes to complete the paperwork to file for insurance reimbursement was taking time and energy away from the people who come to see me. And the other reason is that insurance companies usually require that a therapist disclose confidential information about clients. I am unwilling to do that and would prefer instead to work on a fee-for-service basis.
Some clients have chosen to arrange with their insurance companies for me to be considered an “out-of-network provider.” That means that the client pays me the full fee and I give the client a receipt he or she can submit to the insurance company for reimbursement. The insurance company requires that I add a diagnosis to the receipt you will submit for reimbursement. I will discuss that diagnosis with you before giving you the receipt.
My pastor told us we need premarital counseling but I am afraid it is going to end the relationship.
This is a common concern. Premarital counseling is a valuable process. My approach to premarital counseling is to presume that you love each other. I will help you learn more about yourselves and each other, how your temperaments interact “for better and for worse,” and support you to learn more effective ways of making decisions together, resolving conflicts, dealing with your families of origin and your family patterns, and finding more joy and intimacy in your relationship.
Occasionally in the course of premarital counseling a couple will come to the awareness that either they are not yet ready to get married or, as much as they care about one another, it would not be wise to get married. This is of course a painful discovery, but I believe it is better to discover and decide that before the marital vows rather than going into a marriage knowing that it is not going to work.
My spouse and I are fighting a lot since our child died.
I am sorry for your terrible loss. The death of a child is the most traumatic experience a parent could ever have. Some days you may feel like you cannot go on for one more day. Depression is normal at such a time. It is also normal for a couple to fight in the midst of the crushing grief and loss of a child. Sometimes the fighting takes the shape of blaming one another for the death or for factors leading up to the death. Sometimes the fighting is a way that deeply grieving people release stress when what they really may need is more closeness, tenderness, and understanding.
Not every marriage survives the death of a child. I will take this unwanted journey with you and help you to find strength, courage, and more productive ways of resolving your conflicts and coping with your grief.
I am a gay man and you are a pastoral psychotherapist. Are you going to preach religion to me and tell me to change my ways? I have been hurt by religion.
I believe that one’s sexuality is a sacred gift from God. We human beings are like varieties of flowers; some are roses, some are dahlias, some are zinnias, others are daisies. Each is unique and precious; none is more lovely than the other. Each needs the right setting and soil in order to flourish and live joyfully. When I work with gay, lesbian, and bisexual clients I do not try to change you from a dahlia to a rose. I will help you to come to understand yourself, what you believe, who you are, what will enable you to flourish in life, and, if you are interested, in seeing how this lines up with your spiritual values. This is the kind of change I am interested in helping my gay, lesbian and bisexual clients make.
Why does my doctor want me to have therapy if the medication I am taking is helping?
Has your situation changed? Has your behavior changed? Are your relationships what you want? Or do you seem to have the same problems even though you are now taking medication?
Frequently such medications as antidepressant, mood stabilizer, or anti-anxiety medicines help persons find relief from the acuteness of depression, anxiety, and other mood difficulties. I like to say that such medicines help, when indicated and when prescribed by a competent and ethical physician, to “lift the bottom” so that a person does not have to try so hard just to function on a day-to-day basis in the midst of depression, for example.
What such medicines are not able to do is to help you resolve the grief, underlying conflicts, strong emotions, life-long patterns, trauma, and stuckness that may lie underneath the depression. Medicine also does not provide a caring and supportive presence to accompany you on the healing journey. As your psychotherapist, I will care and support you and help you heal.
Will you understand me? Once I had a counselor who just sat there and said “Mmm hmm.”
Our work together is to understand you, your needs, your life context, and help you walk toward your healing. My style is to be active in our relationship and interact with you. Together we will be attentive to your shifts in emotion, body language, sensations, and images and how you are doing with staying with the difficult issues and feelings.
Does therapy have to take forever? I don’t want to get addicted to therapy.
You are in charge. On your first visit we will discuss what you hope to gain from therapy and how you and I will know when you have achieved your goals. We will evaluate your progress as we go along and help you decide when you are ready to stop coming. Sometimes clients who have been in therapy for quite a while like to take a break and then return as needed for a “booster shot” appointment or to do another piece of healing work.
How does couples counseling work?
I do not have a “formula” for how couple counseling works. Instead, the couple and I tailor the therapy process to their own unique needs. When a couple with problems comes to see me for the first time I want to know what is your love story: how did you meet, what attracted you to one another, what helped your relationship to grow. Then we will talk about the problem that you are seeking help for and the history of that problem. We will explore your families of origin and the expectations and patterns you bring both consciously and unconsciously to the relationship. My role is to be on the “side” of your relationship and not on the side of either party. In addition to helping you find more productive ways of communicating and resolving conflicts, I will help you to understand each other and your self better. And I will help you to decide about what are the protective boundaries you need around your relationship.
Can we talk about our sexual problems with you?
Yes. Although I am not a certified sex therapist, I have found in more than 30 years of providing marriage and couple counseling that the communication in a couple’s sexual relationship mirrors their non-sexual communication patterns. Helping to restore healthy, mutual non-sexual communication within the couple is the most important step to restoring a healthy and mutual sexual relationship.
My life is not going the way it is supposed to go. How are you going to help me?
It makes sense that at a time of great vulnerability and coming to me for help that you will want me to give you answers. I don’t have your answers, but I will help you find your own answers. I will take you seriously -- your needs and concerns matter to me. I will support you as you talk about how you believe your life is supposed to go and as you struggle with the hairpin or dead-end turns that your life has taken. We will work together for you to get your life on track again.
Why do I keep dating the same kind of person? What is wrong with me? Do I deserve this? I don’t deserve what I am getting.
These are great questions and indicate that you may be ready to benefit from psychotherapy. We will explore your patterns of thinking and behaviors that seem to be self-defeating and see where the seeds of those patterns lie. We will also explore what choices you have that can help you to break free of those unsatisfying patterns and help you have the kinds of relationships you need and deserve to have.
I am having great difficulty with my child.
Parenting is the most important “job” in the world and it is one that comes without much training. Although I do not see children in my practice (except in the context of family therapy---for example, when the whole family is grieving the death of a beloved relative, or when Mom and Dad have decided to separate) I do work with parents.
Often a parent who is having trouble with a child needs to set appropriate boundaries and usually needs support to do so with clarity and care. A parent needs to specify consequences with a child, so that the child knows the limits of acceptable behavior.
Some parents have great difficulty understanding the importance of and/or setting boundaries and consequences. Sometimes this means that the parents need to do some of their own healing work in therapy so that they can understand why they cannot set boundaries and consequences and so that they be more empowered to be the kind of parents their children need for them to be. Sometimes it means that both parents (even when the parents are divorced from one another) need help to come to agreement on what they expect of their child and what their coherent and mutual parenting plan is.
I am scared to death. I cannot cope with my medical diagnosis.
Yes, getting a bad diagnosis can be a terrifying and lonely experience. It can raise spiritual questions about meaning and questions about the end of life, and it can be a source of depression, anger, and grief. You deserve to have many kinds of support as you live into the diagnosis and treatment, and I will be happy to be one of those sources of support. Working together, I hope that you may find the resiliency, courage, and the drive to live fully and meaningfully while being treated.
I moved to Charlotte recently and feel lost in this new city and culture.
Moving to a new city is a challenging experience. In addition to the grief and loss you are experiencing having moved from where you used to live, Charlotte is a fast-paced city and people here tend to move a lot. Sometimes it can be hard and painful to find new friends and break into an existing neighborhood and church and community groups. I will support you in coping with your grief and in taking good risks to make new and meaningful connections.
My spouse has returned from serving in Iraq. He isn’t the same person who left.
Deployment often puts tremendous strains on marital and other relationships. I work with couples after deployment to help them “find” each other and their love again after the challenges and trauma of military service.
No one would believe that my husband, who is a leader in our church, beats me and humiliates me.
It takes tremendous courage to break the silence and secrecy of abuse. God does not want you to suffer abuse of any kind. There is nothing that you can do to deserve to be treated this way. I want to hear your story. I want to help you explore your choices so that you and your children may be safe from abuse. I want to help you discover your God-given dignity and worth and to heal from the trauma of abuse.
Do not let shame or fear keep you from calling for an appointment and coming in to talk. If you have found my website you can also visit another website that has a lot of important information and resources for you in your situation: www.theraveproject.org